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Impenetrable*

Warning! Embarrassing sex stuff ahead! :I

I believe I have vaginismus, as I can’t insert a tampon or even have a pap smear (it hurt so much the nurse stopped the exam before it could be completed), but I’m also a lesbian, which means that penetrative sex is optional for me.

However, my friend told me that I would never be able to fully enjoy sex if penetration wasn’t involved. She told me about vaginal dilators and suggested giving them a go. Now, I’ve looked at the… umm… things , and I have to say they look scary as heck to me (especially the last one! O.O).

I’m still a virgin, so don’t know much about what it’s like to have sex with another person. I’ve never had trouble having orgasms before, but I really don’t want to miss out on a fulfilling sex life, or more importantly; cause any future partner to miss out on a fulfilling sex life, due to my problem.

I guess my question is: is the vaginal dilation program worth doing even though penetrative sex is completely optional? Will my sex life be affected by this even though I will never sleep with someone with a penis?

Please help! I’m really torn with what to do.

This is a message I left on a sexual health website quite a few months back. At the time this subject was really playing on my mind for some reason, and I just couldn’t find any decent information relating to the importance of penetrative sex in lesbian relationships (well, info that didn’t revolve around the whole ‘some lesbians have dicks‘ malarkey anyway – in other words; no info relevant to me). So the only thing I could think of was to ask around and get  (experienced) people’s responses. Along with this message on the sexual health website I also asked two people on Tumblr; a midwife who answers people’s sex related questions, and a lesbian radfem.

The midwife never answered my question, and though I can’t say for sure, I think it probably had something to do with me equating lesbian sex with dickless sex, which as we all know is considered a sin to the trans cult – which she appears to be a supporter of.

The lesbian radfem gave a rather hopeful answer, which was followed by several other hopeful answers from her followers. The answer, iirc, was something along the lines of;

*touch yourself to get to know what you like

*Don’t worry about penetration, as a lot of other lesbians don’t like it either

*don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable

This simple yet pretty solid advice left me feeling better about my situation, but as the months have gone on I’ve seen things that have made me reevaluate:

  1. I’ve seen a few different lesbians express how much they enjoy using sex toys to penetrate their partners
  2. I’ve heard/read about how many women (hets, bisexuals, and lesbians) enjoy penetrative sex.
  3. And have seen a lot of women say that penetrative sex is the most pleasurable type of sex for them.

Now, as I said in the above message, I really don’t want to miss out on having a fulfilling sex life**, and more importantly; I hate the thought of depriving a partner of a fulfilling sex life because of my problem. I really have nothing against the idea of using dilators to ‘fix’ the problem (except for the price of the fucking things!!!), I’m just trying to work out if it would be worth the hassle and potential pain, or not.

Therefore(!), I have some questions that I’m going to ask here, in the hope that maybe some nice lesbians will be kind enough to be brutally honest with me on this subject (I know there are a lot of lesbians on this site, even if only like 2 ever read anything I post on here XD);

1 – Is penetrating a partner (strap-ons etc.) a big deal for many lesbians, especially certain types of lesbians, e.g. the more dominant women (which I seem to be more attracted to)? Are there lesbians who would be put off getting with a woman if they couldn’t penetrate her during sex? If so, are they in the minority, or the majority?

2 – Is penetrative sex really that good?

3 – Can there be a fulfilling sex life without penetration?

I know this is a REALLY embarrassing subject, but I’d be really grateful for any answers I can get.

Untitledd

Signing off!

xXx

 

*like fucking Fort Knox! Double entendres ftw!!! XD

**Yeah, I know I’m kinda jumping the gun here, what with me not even having a partner to have a fulfilling sex-life with, but I’d rather ask these questions now instead of crossing that bridge when (if) I get to it, because… well, just because 😛

 

47 thoughts on “Impenetrable*”

  2. I have no useful or even useless advice, but lots of sympathy! The one timr I had a pap smear, I had to make the doctor stop, because it was unbearably painful. The last time I tried using a tampon it was far too uncomfortable – verging on painful – to leave in for more than a few minutes.

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    1. God pap smears are awful, aren’t they? I’ve been advised to ask for pain killers and a smaller speculum next time, so I’ll see how that goes.

      As for tampons: I don’t really like the idea of wearing them anyway (ever since reading about toxic shock on a tampon box when I was 12), but I would like to be able to use a cup. Both tampons and cups seem 100x more convenient than pads.

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      1. This doctor changed to a smaller one for me, but it was still too painful to endure. She never suggested painkillers (granted this was a quarter century ago).

        I’m dubious about the need for pap smears if one’s a virgin anyway. It’s sexual contact with men (PiV in particular) that’s the risk factor, isn’t it? I’ve never had one since and don’t intend to, nor has any doctor in the years since suggested they are necessary in my case.

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      4. D: D: D:

        I’m not allergic to ’em, unless having goddamn butt-zits counts … The thing that irks me most about periods these days is wearing pants 24/7 on the heaviest days. Chafe, chafe, chafe!

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  3. If it’s a matter of penetration, you can try to start with something really thin and a lot of lube: such as a finger or a thin dildo. I have regular het sex, but one-two fingers get the job done easily 🙂

    If you want to look up info, search for the G-spot and the “come hither” (?) gestures. easy and efficient.

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      2. True, but the idea with dilators is that you move to the larger size once you get comfortable using the size below. The goal obviously being that the woman will eventually be able to have enjoyable (or at least painless) penetrative sex.

        Just realized how much I dislike the word penetrate when used in this context. It sounds like it has quite violent connotations, imo.

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      3. I agree, I don’t care for the word either. Penetration in any other context is about breaking or disrupting something.

        I don’t care much for envelopment as an alternative, though, because it sounds a bit like a try-hard description to me. YMMV, of course!

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      4. Yes, but is there a need? Surely if you want to go down that road a partner would be willing to explore with you and go at your own pace? If you feel like you want to try it but are a bit unsure about whether or not it’ll then if they’re right for you they’ll help you get there. I would say.

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      5. I hope so! I’ll probably end up at least trying /something/ to see if I like it, but hopefully I’ll be with someone patient and understanding enough not to push it.

        The fact that I won’t be with a male will make this whole thing so much easier to deal with. I think I’d have to be celibate otherwise, because from what I’ve seen I doubt any male would let it go.

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      6. If anyone tries to push it with you, they are not worth your trust. My OH has never pushed it on me and has been deprived of it for a very long time indeed. This is the reason he is the only man I have been able to have a relationship with. (Although in my case this has just dragged the whole sorry mess out)

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  4. Okay, as a radical feminist, I will say there are many fucking red flags here. Your friend told you that you will never fully enjoy sex unless you are penetrated and suggested using an object you find “scary” to train your vagina for penetration. NO NO NO NO NO. This is fucking RAPE CULTURE. You absolutely do not have to be penetrated to enjoy sex. You absolutely do not need to train your vagina into something it doesn’t want. You can have tons of fun playing with all the sensitive zones on your body, including your vulva, without anything being put in your vagina, and still have satisfying orgasms.

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    1. I love my friend, but she’s really misguided about a lot of things concerning sex. She was raped by an ex boyfriend and this seems to have driven her to use light bdsm as a coping mechanism. She’s EXTREMELY sex-positive (but not a feminist), for example; I once overheard her trying to persuade my other friend to keep trying anal sex even though she acknowledges that it hurts, all because men like it so much. I say /overheard/ because a lot of the time they don’t include me in these types of conversations (thank god). When I tried to intervene to tell my unsure friend that she didn’t have to do it they seemed to think that my sexuality disqualified me from commenting (they weren’t nasty, just a little condescending).

      I don’t know why I let her words get to me so much, especially since I feel the complete opposite when it’s another woman in my shoes. I mean I’m pretty much in the same position as my other friend up there, and my advice to her would be: DON’T FUCKING DO IT! I can’t seem to apply these rules to myself for some reason.

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      4. Yes, I’ve seen that. It’s so awful and scary to think that girls are growing up dealing with this level of pornification. My friends struggle with this and they’re in their mid 20s, I dread to think what my niece will have to deal with in her teenage years (hopefully I can get a bit of radical feminist thought into her head by that time!) 😦

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      5. This is a prime example of why “sex positive” is no such thing. It’s “men getting their dicks wet” positive. Your friend is drowning in rape culture and trying to drag other women down with her – unconsciously, I don’t doubt, but that’s what she’s doing. She’s pushing the idea that women have to submit to rape, whatever she may call it.

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  5. You said you don’t want your partner to miss out on a fulfilling sex life because there’s something you don’t like to do. Listen carefully now. You do not owe anyone sexual activity that you don’t enjoy. Your partner needs to respect your boundaries and only engage in activities you like. If someone ever tries to penetrate you knowing that you don’t like it, they are assaulting you. TMI — I’ve had sex with a woman who didn’t want to be penetrated and it was normal sex in every way. I would never think I was “missing out” on something after having the privilege of getting to pleasure a woman the way she wants.

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    1. I know that most potential partners out there wouldn’t try to force this on me, that’s never been a worry for me really. Hmm… I suppose even lesbians are affected by the whole ‘sacrifice your sexual integrity if it means pleasing a partner’ thing that seems to be an ever intensifying part of female sosialization 😦

      Thank you for leaving these comments btw, I’ll probably reply on each 😀

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  7. You’ve asked certain questions here so I guess you don’t mind a TMI answer. Um, I enjoy being penetrated, yes. However just because I like it doesn’t mean that you have to like it. If you really want to try it, DO NOT use a dilator, just use a finger. If it doesn’t feel good, then stop.

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    1. There doesn’t seem to be any such thing as TMI on this blog! XD

      Well, I think the price of the things are equally as scary as the size of the things (did you SEE that thing?!), so I doubt I’ll be getting them any time soon anyway!

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  8. And don’t be so fixated on sex toys. They can be fun for those of us who enjoy penetration, but a couple of fingers will do just fine. There is no need for you to go out and buy accessories, especially since the decent ones are quite expensive.

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      5. Weirdest coincidence ever!!!

        I usually keep my knickers on the clothes horse where they dry, but when I’m behind on laundry I’m forced to rummage through The Draw (The Draw is where I keep my spare knickers along with some… unspeakables – a lot of which were a waste of money >:I). Anyway, I was going through my knicker draw looking for some comfortable granny pants to make my period a lil easier, when mid rummage I spot a brown paper bag ominously hiding out at the very back, behind all the fancy knickers and thongs I never wear (and next to some other /items/). Inside the bag was a box containing something I forgot I ever bought; a tiny ‘bullet’ vibe…

        I think I bought it some time late last year, but came on my period soon after so couldn’t use it (iirc). Stashing it at the back of my draw, behind everything* for later use I just forgot all about it.

        The thing looks really fancy actually (‘7 speed settings’ apparently!), so how I forgot about it I don’t know. What’s the bet I’ll forget all about it again before this period is over? XD

        *even though no one but me does my laundry I still have the instinct to hide certain *ahem* /things/ – just in case.

        Fyi: By ‘unspeakables’, ‘items’, and ‘things’I mean SEX TOYS AND LUBE!!! 😀

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      6. And also I felt quite embarrassed whenever I looked at the thing because I couldn’t help remembering that when I bought it, in a branch of Ann Summers, I had no idea about these things and chose the wrong sized batteries. The ones I picked up were much bigger than it needed and you should have seen the look that the woman on the counter gave me. She was clearly thinking “bloody hell, love, must’ve been a long dry spell you’ve had there”.

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  9. I’ve known a few women with this issue. It’s more common than people realise. My friends who had this issue found that it either went away with time or they work around it by doing other things.

    I’ve seen dilators that were less scary than the ones in that picture. Don’t do anything at all that you are uncomfortable with. I mean nothing. I have my own issues with different sex-related things and my policy is to only do what I feel happy with. It’s worked out pretty well. It can be difficult to reject all the conditioning you’ve been brought up with but it’s really good to become fully your own sexual being.

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    1. I read a few accounts from other women on that sexual health website, and some of them were heartbreaking 😦
      The vast majority of the women were het and this problem was affecting their relationships quite a bit. Many of them described trying to put up with painful sex, or how they felt like ‘freaks’ after discovering this issue, and a lot of them said they felt guilty for depriving (their words, never mine) their males of a fulfilling sex life (and this is where I’m a major hypocrite by thinking, unashamedly, ‘sod those males they deserve NOTHING!!’, whilst simultaneously feeling anxiety over doing the exact same thing to a female partner! *sigh* yeah, idk…).

      I think you and the other commenters here are right. I just need to figure out what I like and what I don’t like, and communicate that in the future.

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  10. Hi!

    I hate hate hate penetration and think any woman (let alone any lesbian!) who says she likes it has been CONDITIONED by men and society to like it.

    Your clit is for orgasms, for you and whatever lucky female person you’d want to share that experience with. The vagina is a tool that men try to abuse with their horrid PAINises. Mensworld tries to convince lesbians that we need to fuck our girlfriends or get fucked with fake dicks and have both of us pretend to like it. What scares the shit out of them is the truth: penetration does not make any female orgasm. Sadly, many males would be happy to hear that it causes great pain for some females (and MANY lesbians, and the majority of butches) which is why, I believe, that straight and bi women pretend to like it: because they know that if they admit they don’t, men will want to do it to them more.

    But lesbians don’t have to do this song and dance. We can get ourselves off alone by riding pillows (my choice 🙂 or using vibrators, both involve only the clit! And sex between women can include anything other than being impaled by nasty dick or dick imitations.

    As a female who regularly passes as male, I often draw the attentions of bisexual women who have sadly been sexually conditioned by walking penises (aka males) . They want to have fake, porny sex involving me hurting them with a strap on while they put on a show in lingerie making porny noises (they think I don’t know that this isn’t authentic female sexuality?). It made me so sad when it happened and I’d try to level, female-to-female, that this really wasn’t what she wanted and certainly not what I wanted. But I’d just get confused looks and then dumped for penis eventually.

    So many women are led into masochism by society. It’s tragic. I know that sex with a self-aware, female-loving lesbian is different, but given how even the lesbian community has been poisoned by all of this S and M, dildo, third-wave, self-objectification/objectify other women shit, it still would be hard to find a woman like this. It is sad, and lonely.

    But, in short–penis-by -proxy and vagina -centered “sexuality” is not only not authentically lesbian, but also isn’t even authentically FEMALE. No woman likes using tampons or having gyno exams (I will not, nor have ever, been probed by some rapey sadistic doctor and no lesbian needs to; sex with men is what causes all the gyno problems), and women admit birth is agonizing, yet they all have to keep up the lie that getting “consensually” probed by a chosen man is somehow “awesome” because if they don’t, they worry (with reason) that men will just rape them anyway. It’s cognitive dissonance and causes lesbians like you to worry something is wrong with your parts if you haven’t been brainwashed into saying (and eventually maybe even believing) that getting impaled is fun!

    There is nothing wrong with you, don’t go near a dilator or dildo, your body will thank you as will your future girlfriend! In fact, celebrate the fact that patriarchy hasn’t alienated you from your own sexuality and sexual reactions! The clitoris is the organ for female pleasure. The vagina is the organ that rapetastic men use for their pleasure and women’s pain. Authentic lesbian sex is about female pleasure and NEVER about female pain.

    If you are reading this, please reply here!

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