Stupid Cupid

I traverse the WLW section of OKCupid sometimes just to see how many compatible women live around my neck of the woods – which unfortunately is not a whole bloody lot. I usually end up changing the radius section just out of curiosity to the 500 kilometer option (which is the furthest it will go, I believe), and sometimes I spot one or two women who I think I’d like to get to know. Though, as is usually the case with my own specific brand of bad luck: these women tend to hail from places some ways away from my North Walian location 😦

For instance, tonight I spotted a woman living in a notable English seaside town who instantly caught my eye. She was a few years older than me, which I don’t mind at all, and well… she just seemed too good to be true, really (*^_^*)

I seem to be attracted to women whose looks lean towards the butch or androgynous end of the spectrum, and I’m more comfortable with the thought of an older woman rather than someone closer to my age (I don’t like the idea of dating women younger than me, for some reason). What really makes me sit up and take notice though, is when a woman is as dorky as I am (bonus points if her dorkiness surpasses mine!) – this woman ticked all my boxes. Trouble is, I’m just not in the right place for a relationship right now (not that I’m assuming she’d want to!!!).

I’ve mentioned before how insecure I am about my weight, my personality, my speech problems, etc. and I think I really need to tackle these things head on before attempting to initiate a relationship with anyone.

I feel like it wouldn’t be fair to inflict all my insecurities on a partner, and that if I did date before I was really ready it would only lead to greater heartache in the end. I know no one is perfect, and that everyone in the world has their own little foibles that they inevitably end up bringing into their relationships, but I feel that I need to make some positive changes to my own life (or in the case of things that cannot be changed; make peace with myself), in order to get to the place I need to be before I can seek the kind relationship I want to have.

Having said that, there are some issues that can only be resolved by… experience. Urgh! *grumbles* Right! I’m going to tell you something now that is REALLY EMBARRASSING (thinking about it now is making me cringe so hard I’m practically developing a six-pack!), ok? And you have to promise not to laugh! Promise me! Ok, ready?

When I was in my last year of university I met someone I got along with really well. She like-liked me, but in retrospect we’d have made better friends that girlfriends. We went on a date and hung around, but nothing major happened (stick with me here!). Anyway, one day she invited me to stay over at her place. Now, bear in mind we had only really held hands up until this point, and she knew I had never had sex or even kissed* another person before. She, on the other hand, was way more experienced than me, so needles to say: I was shitting bricks. That night she tried her hardest to reassure me, but no matter how much I tried I just couldn’t overcome the anxiety that I would be a bad kisser**. So I just let her touch my tits instead :I

That’s right; I’ve never kissed (unless blind drunk), but I have let someone fondle ma titties (I literally turned beet red as I typed this Istg).

What I’m trying to say here, is that I have a few anxieties that are only curable by being with someone patient and understanding. And I guess that has caused yet another little anxiety to pop up – is there actually anyone out there willing to be that patient with me? What if my intimacy issues are the barriers that prevent me from ever finding happiness with another woman?

I have no idea how much time I would need to come around. The thought of being intimate with someone is both arousing and frightening (which I’m sure is the case with everyone), and in the past the fear has overpowered the arousal and put a halt to intimacy – boob fondling notwithstanding (I do have nice tits though, so there’s no anxiety there at least).

I guess the only way to find out is to actually do it. NOT ‘do it‘ do it… well, yeah do it, but… you know what I mean. Anyway…

Signing off,

>:I >:I >:I

2015-09-16 20.55.19

*there was an incident that I don’t count because the girl (a separate girl) just sprung it on me out of nowhere, and it was more of a sloppy lick than a kiss. I didn’t lick her back, and tbh it left me kinda traumatized… 0.0

**I can pinpoint exactly where this anxiety started! Don’t. Fucking. Laugh!!! When I was about 8, a girl I knew had one of those fortunetelling fish things. You know the ones – those silly, floppy little fish shaped pieces of plastic that curl up to ‘reveal the truth’ when you place it in the palm of your hand. Well, when I placed it in my hand it ‘revealed’ something about me which turned into an anxiety – an anxiety which has stayed with me ever since: ‘Crap Kisser’.


12 thoughts on “Stupid Cupid

  1. Moar hugs!

    If your eventual partner (sexual, not necessarily long term) isn’t as patient and caring as you need her to be, that’d be a red flag to hightail it out of there. Wouldn’t most of us be uncertain or nervous at least, doing any sexual stuff the first time? Don’t beat up on yourself for this, you’re perfectly normal.

    Quick question: my instinct is often to throw in a me-too anecdote, in the hope it helps, but is that inappropriate here? Apart from my particular situation’s oddities, it’s heterosexual, and I don’t want to be elbowing in with that.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. What’s annoying you about it, comrade?

        You can always change it, though. I usually go through a few themes before settling on one. I’m a bit miffed that one I used to have, with a fleur de lys in the corner, seems to have disappeared.


  2. It’s so tempting to think that somehow everyone else is fully formed, or got it sorted, but it’s not true. At all. Different people have different things sorted out at different times in their lives, that’s all. From my own POV, if it’s any comfort, a lot of the insecurities I had kind of lessened as I got older all on their own. A huge amount of stuff just fell into the ‘WHY did that even bother me’ box.

    And, oh, that bloody fish! I used to get all worried by that too. You know what, I bet you get one in a Christmas Cracker this year. Have a little ceremony. Put on the obligatory plastic moustache and snip that little bastard up with the miniature nail clippers that always seem to be in there too while chanting ‘kiss that, you little plastic fucker’.

    Liked by 3 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s