I thought long and hard about sharing this with complete strangers over the internet, and I’ve decided that since I can’t tell my friends and family about this, that means the only place I can share this is with strangers over the internet.
So, here goes nothing; I’m 27 and have never had a girlfriend.
Well, there it is. The truth. Well, only part of it. I’ve also never had sex, kissed whilst sober (certainly not with anyone I knew for more than 2 minutes), and I’ve never experienced one of those famed ‘all consuming’ crushes either (you know the type – butterflies, nausea, sweaty palms, can’t stop thinking about them, heart racing, etc.). Whoever said that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all was a smart dude, because let me tell you; it’s heartbreaking in its own way. And all without the benefit of having experienced love, or at the very least knowing the joys of sharing something like that with another person.
I guess it started with a lack of confidence. First, a lack of confidence in my looks, as I’ve been overweight since I was a child, and coming from a weight-obsessed family that’s a disaster waiting to happen. Then I guess came a loss of confidence in my personality, due to my father (my primary care giver as a kid) not understanding me, and constantly willing and wishing me to change my naturally introverted tendencies, leading to the belief that I was boring, unfunny, lacking anything important to say, etc.. This became a self fulfilling prophesy, and later led to a loss in ability to speak properly. These issues made it difficult for me to find new friends, and I’ve found myself unable to make deep, lasting connections with anyone since I went to secondary school, where I met the only women I consider to be my friends – all two of them.
In university I felt disconnected from the other lesbians I met, as the thought of getting close to any of them, and eventually opening up to someone on an intimate level, frightened me so much I ended up never getting close to anyone. I actually started each year saying to myself ‘this year I will do it! I will meet someone’, but with every passing year that got more and more difficult, as the embarrassment factor got bigger and bigger.
If lack of confidence was the first barrier, and embarrassment the second, then that would make shame the third. I was ashamed that I had gotten as old as I was and had missed so many ‘milestones’ that a girl my age was supposed to have reached by that point. I was still ashamed of my body and personality, and I was ashamed at my ever decreasing ability to speak without stuttering, say the correct word I was thinking, and my tendency to forget what I had just said (making me unable to finish sentences properly). I was ashamed to tell my friends, because I knew they would feel sorry for me – which I cannot abide!
Then came doubt. Doubt that I deserved that kind of happiness. Doubt in my ability to make someone else happy. Doubt in my ability to be someone a girlfriend could proudly introduce to their parents, and build a future with. Doubt that any woman would want to take someone like me on, what with all these problems. Doubt that I’m even capable of having a fulfilling relationship, due to all my hangups. And everybody knows: doubt leads to fear.
And so fear is an ever present ghoul in the back of my mind now too. Would the fact that I’m 27 and have no experience with sex and relationships what so ever put potential partners off? Would I be laughed at? Will I ever find someone? Who in the world has the amount of patience needed to deal with me?
Urgh! It’s like I’m drowning in a glass box – I can see ‘simple’ solutions to my problems; all I need to do is get my confidence and self esteem back, and get over my fear and doubt, right? But I’m stuck. How do I do these things?
…
Soul destroying loneliness is the result of all of the above, especially since I also feel isolated from my friends when it comes to this.
All my friends are in long term relationships, and have no idea about this. I’d rather lie than let them know the truth too, as they are not likely to be understanding. They are all het, for a start, which is a barrier, as much as I hate to admit it. Then there’s the fact that they have a ‘sex-positive’ attitude, which makes sex a very difficult topic to discuss with them under the best of circumstances, as they believe every woman is ‘a little bisexual’. This attitude has led to some instances which border on harassment, as they’ve tried to persuade me to go out with one of the men we regularly hang out with, as a group. I don’t know… I gave up in the end, and now I just switch-off and nod along every time they talk about sex. Talking to them is not an option for me.
Family is also not an option.
So here I am. Spilling my guts on the internet, hoping for… something??? Idk. It has made me feel better to get this down in writing (typing?), so there’s that I guess.
Thanks for tuning in! Next time: maybe something not as depressing, but probably just as personal 🙂
xXx
benywblog 